Yeah, not a movie, but a TV series this week: the 1960’s Patty Duke Show.
Patty’s mom Natalie curls up on the couch with some needles for some “woman’s work.”
At least I think that’s what they called it back then.
If you follow my work, you’ll probably know I enjoy watching movies. And for me, nothing provides the perfect escape from reality like a hefty movie marathon – unless, of course, it’s a hefty movie marathon steeped in even heftier religious plot lines! Last month, that’s just what I did: over the course of a few weeks, I undertook the arduous task of watching an array of distinguished religious epics such as The Passion of Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ Superstar, The Devils, King of Kings and The Last Temptation of Christ, among others.
I was on or around the fourth movie in five days, sitting in my recliner crocheting and watching a crucified Willem Dafoe blink back Karo syrup blood tears, when a thought occurred to me. For as uncomfortable as they look, and as fake as they might seem, there is one essential religious costume prop that is actually pretty attractive, fashionable, and — dare I say it — sexy:
The crown of thorns.
So instead of wondering, “Oh death, where are thy thorns?” I threw up my hands and said, “Breezy lies the head that wears a crown,” and set about making a new pattern, which I share with you all here today.
Ladles and Gentlebugs, I present the fully crocheted, D.I.Y. Crown of Thorns!
Let’s face it: some days are better than others. For those times when the sins of the world hang heavy on your shoulders, simply whip up this torturously simple project and feel a sting of pride from your handmade crowning achievement.
Pattern: ©2014 Shove Mink / Photos: ©2014 Chuck McNary
Branches (make 2)
With light brown worsted and “F” hook:
Sc 6 in magic ring (or ch 2, sc 6 in 2nd ch from hook).
Rounds 1 – 135. sc 6 (or repeat to reach required length needed to wrap around head comfortably.)
Bind off and leave tail.
Insert length of wire to fit fully into both branches. Weave the two branches together around each other as shown below. Form into a circle, fitting around scalp and flattening front to sit on forehead “comfortably.” Wrap ends tightly around each other and sew the beginning closed end to branches along the open end. Thorns (make 24-30)
With dark brown DK and “B” hook:
Sc 4 in magic ring (or ch 2, sc 4 in 2nd ch from hook).
Rounds 1 – 2. sc 4
Round 3. [Inc, sc 1] twice – 6
Bind off and leave tail.
Sew each thorn to branches as shown in the photos, or however randomly you’d like.
Blood streams (make 3-5)
With dark red DK and “B” hook:
Leaving a long tail at the beginning, ch 9, 12, or 16.
Row 1. Hdc in 2nd chain from hook, sc 1, sl st, sc in next 5 (8, 12).
Bind off and weave in end tail.
Using fabric glue, attach red crystals or beads to either side of “drop” (on the hdc). Use beginning tail to attach to inside of bottom thorn and branch, as shown below. Once completed, fix that cushy coronet atop your glowing pate and go about your day, fielding all those sharp-tongued compliments from enthused passersby that are sure to be flung your way like arrows! This would also make a great last-minute bonnet replacement for an Easter egg hunt, the perfect addition to your Sunday best, or a stunning accoutrement for the upcoming junior or senior prom.
And remember, even when life hands you lemons…
Sergei Parajanov’s 1968 masterpiece The Color of Pomegranates (Sayat Nova) is not only one of the best films I’ve ever seen, it is also one of the most craft-laden films I have ever seen!
It’s got tatting!
Some holier than thou knitting angels (work those toe-up socks, kids!)…
…complete with their “close-knit” family members.
It even features the yarn making process, beginning with the fleece…
…up to the dyeing process.
Haven’t sufficiently whetted your appetite? Watch the блин trailer:
That’s right, you heard it here first, folks (or, if you were directed here from another source, you may have heard it here second). For a limited time throughout the month, four of my Croshame Etsy pieces are on mega-sale!
(*puts on best used car salesman voice*)
The Exorcist Playset has been blasphemously lowered from $250 to $150!
That’s a nauseatingly huge savings of $100!! Get that yarn vomit while it’s steamin’ hot!
Crochetin’ In Blood has been GOUGED from $90 to $70!
Yeee-OWCH! That’s gotta hurt!
The Who Killed Nancy-gurumi set has been SLASHED from $95 to $75!
Whaaat?!!! These prices are killing me!
And Hogtied has been SLICED from $90 to $70!
Sale prices and supplies are limited, so if you ever felt like owning these pieces but were an Andrew Jackson or two short, now is your opportunity to scoop them up!
Question: What you get the entomology student who has everything?
Answer: A Croshame figure of the creature from the 1958 version of The Fly!
Knowing that this commissioned piece was going to a movie-loving bug enthusiast (a friend of a friend), I wanted to make it somewhat accurate in the insect’s details while simultaneously capturing the weird cheesiness of the film’s main character.
The creature’s head only shows up for about 3 minutes during the entire film (if that), so getting a clear picture of what he really looked like was tough. I kind of made it a cross between the original Fly and the one from its 1959 sequel, Return of the Fly. (Move along, Cronenberg; you’re not needed here.)
His head (which was VERY difficult to photograph accurately, by the way) was made of a crazy, fuzzy-bumpy novelty yarn I bought ages ago on a trip to Portland, OR.
The facial features were made from a pipe cleaner wrapped with eyelash yarn and needle-felted “mouth” details. (Check out those maxillary palps!)
The creature in the film has one normal human hand and one deformed, hairy fly claw — which, again, I needle-felted with love.
Naturally I had to include the blanket that the good doctor drapes over his face whenever dear ol’ wifey comes traipsing through his household laboratory. And the handy pocket on his lab coat is perfect for concealing that hideous fly-claw!
After all that hard scientific work, I’d say the experiment was a rousing success!*
*Unless you count that whole grisly “assisted suicide via crushing with a mechanical press” part of the movie. Then probably not so much.
Wherein Sir Terry Bollea (AKA Hulk Hogan) encounters a melon-thumping granny, ripe for the picking. Bet you can tell she’s a granny from those squares she wears, huh? Huh? This seems like a typical case of Hollywood ageism mixed with some severe craft stereotyping… real crochet-cism in action! I mean, when will these pesky movie PA’s realize that crochet is ageless — and more importantly — that an afghan does NOT a shawl make?